I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
