i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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