Is it because I queefed?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
