glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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