the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
sex in a hospital.. check
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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