You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
