Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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