Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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