dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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