i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You are a genius and a whore.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize