Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
