I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
