That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My vagina is officially offended.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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