just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
