He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
