i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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