Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
