Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
