Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
im holly from the hills drunk
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
