it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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