just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
