im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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