All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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