You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
