You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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