We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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