We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
