i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
