I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this just has baby written all over it
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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