So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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