I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
