im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
