Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
