I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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