I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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