Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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