you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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