Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
