we have officially lost it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
vagina is talking i cant
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
