My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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