I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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