bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
