I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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