My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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