Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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