i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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