Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
