Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Randomize
