And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I need to sanitize my soul.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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