someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
