My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
