I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
