it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
