Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
