i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
