so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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