you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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