you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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