"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
