So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
