Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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