PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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