my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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