Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
