I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize